Oh nooooo of course not, why would I fall for our Nancy in Oliver? No that's stupid to fall for someone just because they're playing a girl who gets knocked around. Noooo and not like this has EVER happened before what with Gia and Sonya and Erika and Angelina Jolie and Kate Winslet and Kate Beckinsale and Nicole Kidman and ...

everyone else

except alex

why should she be so different?

Why is she the exception to every goddamn consistancy in my life? Why can I figure out all these twists and patterns and then have her come barging in only to throw me off balance again? Why is nothing with her predictable? Why is she the one and only thing that I don't understand in my life? I can explain everything else. I have an explanation for literally every last goddamn thing in my life except her. She's never had any of that stuff. Not even close. Nothing at all. It's... amazing. I fell for her not seeing her get grabbed or slapped or anything. But by watching her put down a prop and then walk away.

And odd... that she being so different from all my other crushes...

she is, in fact, the strongest.

am I in love?

Fuck Alex...

And fuck Rob while I'm at it.

Fuck Rob. He knows how I feel about him. And yet he'd give me up in a second. He'd trade me in for a wife and a normal job anyday. He'd drop Rising Stars if he could, just like me. He'd up and leave me there. And he's going to, I know it, I know goddammit. It's not going to fucking work, it never fucking works. He's just gonna leave me and I'll never speak to him again.

Catherine too. Fuck her. Fuck her for lieing to me for four years. Fuck her for pretending to care about me. And fuck her for leading me along. And when she dropped me off... fuck me...

fool me once, shame on you

fool me twice...

shame on me

I got fooled every day of my life for four years

And I will not be fooled again

I mean nothing to her. Now if I only I can pretend she means nothing to me...

Wendy likes me. Look how she held me, like I was one of her own kids, look how she comforted me and took pity on me and wished a better life for me. Gigi likes me. Look at how she's stuck by me for all these years never once giving up on me even when growing up got a little rough and my attitude grew sour. Lorea likes me. Look at all those nice things she said about me so long ago, about my aura and stuff and how she sensed something extraordinary about me.

Tiffany likes me. I do not have to explain myself for that one. The fact that she ever got mad at me even once is goddamn proof. In her own way, she was trying to help me. She was trying to teach me. Whether or not her teaching methods were sound is a matter of debate between my logical mind and my dad's influence.

But Catherine... she lies to me. She doesn't genuinely care about me. They all do. They all like me.

Rob loves me.

Why should he love me? He's a man. I never had feelings for a man before. But him, I love him. He's my father. I have a dad in him.

FUCK MY DAD!!!

And fuck if I'm not goddamn sure if he even ever had a real affect on me or not, fuck if I just may have made the whole thing up in my head, and fuck if this is really all me being the crazy son of a bitch I am. Fuck if I have this whole thing locked up in me, this whole big lie.

Can it be a lie? Did he really do all that to me? It adds up.

Well...

well fuck alex at least